Earth Girls and Hail Damage
5 June 2006
The other day I stepped out in my off-to-fat-camp walking outfit and my hippie-dippy neighbor, Sunshine, caught me off guard by suggesting that I looked like Sporty Spice!
Was I offended?
Well, initially I was just shocked. I didn’t think 20-something hippie-dippy types would know who Sporty Spice is! Even I had to think a moment. After all, the Spice Girls are very 90’s and thus, oh so yesterday.
But I guess if we wait long enough, passé, as in late twentieth century, will be totally hip again. That’s because Madonna will make sure that the Sporty, Scarey, Poshy, Baby-look is front, center, and spot lit once more.
Madonna is good at that, dredging up a forgetful pop-culture statement from the past and shoving it right back in our faces. Cripes, what was she thinking with that ghastly mauve aerobics outfit, à la Jane Fonda. Not to mention the matching Farah Fawcett flick-back hairdo.
Yes, yes it’s supposed to be very 70’s such that it captures the bygone disco era of her latest CD, Confessions on a Dance Floor. But frankly the only thing Lurex leotards capture for me is how unfair it is that Madonna, at 47, having birthed two kids, can still squeeze her aging, middlescent mummy-body into leotards and not have any obvious jiggling, fleshy bits!
I bet she doesn’t even have cellulite, which at three years shy of fifty makes her part alien.
That’s right, the queen of pop comes from somewhere else, like another galaxy. She’s probably part Clingon, that well-shaped warrior race, mixed with a few human genes so she’s not totally alien and scary.
This means one cannot look to Madonna as a role model, apropos accurate body fat, since all homo-sapien women, of a certain age, have some hail damage along lines of little dimples on their fatty body parts i.e the bottie and thighs.
For God’s sake it’s normal to have a dimply bum and dimply thighs!
I’m a very normal vis-à-vis one-hundred percent, non-Clingon earth-girl and proud of it! In other words I’m sporting some excellent hail damage worthy of my middlescent years, hence, I’m going to leave the wearing of those throwback Jane Fonda Lurex leotards to the likes of Clingon-type Madonnas.
Besides, I like my daggy, fat-camp walking outfit – it was a freebie from the active department of Nordstroms, where I used to work, so it’s not that uncool.
And if wearing it means I run the risk of looking very 90’s and Sporty Spice, fair enough. At least Spice Girl, Sporty, is one of us. Well, I mean she is, isn’t she?
