Fifth Wheel - With Feel

25 September 2006

Best friends, Isa and Greg, asked me to dinner on Saturday night.  Another couple was invited too.  Nikov was working, and so that meant I’d be the fifth wheel!

“I don’t want to be the fifth wheel.” I told Isa.  “Being the with feel … Oh God, see!” I trilled. “Being the fifth frigging wheel is sooo fraught with feelings a spoonerism slips right out of my mouth!”

 ”Alrighty then, so don’t come,” she said. 

I went anyway.  And sure enough, I was with feel(ings) all evening.

Being a singleton in a world dominated by coupledom is not easy.  Especially if you were, or are a couple, and now you’re not! 

Up until two years ago, I was married and firmly ensconced in coupledom.  And then Eric and I divorced.  Suddenly I was a singleton again and it was awful, very sad and painful awful because my dream of happily ever after was shattered.

Broken dreams need to be grieved.

After my divorce, every time I went to an event, a dinner, a party, couples seemed to be everywhere.  Shoved in my face everywhere and pushing my “shattered dream” button, which meant I felt the sad and painful feelings all over again. 

It still happens, almost two years later.  Even though I’m with Nikov now, the “shattered dream” button still gets pushed when I’m confronted by my aloneness.  

Grief takes time to heal - two years, apparently. 

I’m almost there.  I’ve been feeling my feelings and working through my grief.  This is good because I don’t want to take the sadness over my broken marriage with me into my relationship with Nikov. 

I want to be unencumbered emotionally so I can be free to love Nikov with a heart that is open and vital.  It would not be fair to our relationship if I were in it half-heartedly, with a heart pulsing with pain from the past.

I went to Isa’s dinner because I wanted to be with feel(ings).  I wanted to not be afraid of what I might feel as the fifth wheel.  I knew I owed myself, and Nikov, the courage it takes to face the pain and hurt of feeling alone with one’s broken dreams.

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3 Responses to “Fifth Wheel - With Feel”

  1. Patty Says:
    September 25th, 2006 at 5:13 pm

    Right On girlfriend! You hit the nail on the head.
    Thanks for continuing to make me smile.
    Love,
    ~Patty


  2. Ann Raabe Says:
    September 26th, 2006 at 7:33 am

    Well, Tildy, I can assure you that at that same dinner party, someone was looking at you…perky, independent , gorgeous and shining and thinking….wow, what a with feel!


  3. Judi Says:
    September 26th, 2006 at 9:17 am

    Ahhhh,Tildy….you continue to brilliantly risk going to the depths of sensitivity with such humor. Thanks for the inspiration and for continuing to keep me snorting with laughter, with feel!


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