Phatic Gesturing
22 January 2007
I think people working in the service industries in this country have microchips voluntarily imbedded in their brains.
I mean how else do you account for their pervasive use of the phatic gesture, “And how are you today?” Or that other beaut and cheery one: “Have a nice day!”
When checkout Ken at the grocery store grunted phatically at me this morning, I knew he didn’t want or need a bona fide response. Simply, he was automatically reciting his microchip imbedded, socially appropriate greeting: “How are you today?”
Usually I respond, “I’m fine, thanks. And you?”
Though I don’t have a microchip imbedded in my brain, I’m socially aware enough that I know the appropriate response to a robotic salutation. In other words, I know grocery checkout experiences, et al, are more about shared feelings of goodwill, rather than moments of truth telling.
However, this morning I tried something completely new and different, I engaged Ken with an authentic response that communicated exactly how I felt.
“Actually,” I said. “Today I feel bloody disgusting, Ken.”
Ken looked puzzled. He didn’t say anything; service industry microchips don’t have an encoded response to customer’s replies to, “How are you today?” So I helped Ken along and gave him extra information.
“I have a cold,” I said. “The dreaded lurgy that’s going around, and I’m so bunged up I feel like my head is going to burst and frankly I wish it would since then I’d probably feel better because I wouldn’t be so bunged up.”
Again, Ken’s microchip didn’t engage. But Ken did! He looked at me with concern and said, “I think you should go home and take a nap.”
“Right, a nap!” I said. “But Ken, I’m not tired, I’m just bunged up, and when I lie down I feel even more bunged up!”
“Well, that’s what I’d do. Whenever I don’t feel good, I have a nap.”
“So what would you do if you tried to take a nap and you couldn’t actually nap and instead lying down made you feel restless and then panicky because you couldn’t breathe properly!”
Even though Ken was standing and he didn’t have a cold and therefore he wasn’t bunged up and having trouble breathing, he sounded very panicky as he shrieked, “Ma’am, I don’t know!”
“Not to worry, mate,” I said. “I’ll figure it out. Just thought I’d answer your initial question honestly. So you have a nice day, Ken.”
“Thanks ma’am, and you have a nice day too!”
